By: Judy Oyedele & Sabine Marx
Join the authors at the PMDMC24 breakout session Conflict Competence in People Pleasing Cultures on Wednesday August 14, 2024 from 10:45 a.m. – 12 p.m. Pacific Time to learn more about this topic.
If you’ve been in public media for more than five minutes, you’ve probably picked up on the pervasive “culture of nice.” While we love working with the kind folks in public media, we’ve also noticed that “nice” can have a dark side. Specifically, “nice” or polite behaviors can mask underlying tensions or even be passive-aggressive, which is far from kind. And an emphasis on “nice” can get in the way of surfacing necessary conflicts that would help build a more inclusive and trusting culture within public media.
Recently, Greater Public’s survey of DEI progress within public media found that “organizations with conflict competence, particularly in handling courageous discussions, had significantly lower rates of discrimination among their employees. What’s more, those who felt safe and supported in discussing challenging topics reported even fewer instances of discrimination.”
This makes sense. According to The Center for Creative Leadership, conflict competence is “the ability to develop and use cognitive, emotional, and behavioral skills that enhance productive outcomes of conflict while reducing the likelihood of escalation or harm.” In an organization with conflict competence, if someone feels like they’ve been mistreated or a situation was not handled fairly, they can actually bring that up directly with their peers or superiors and trust that the conversation will be productive. In an organization without conflict competence, people often have had experiences that tell them that trying to have a conversation about their concerns will result in retaliation, passive-aggressive behavior, and other repercussions. Therefore the safest way to voice any concerns – large or small – is through formal reporting mechanisms.
On the surface it appears as a desire “to be nice” but in reality, it’s a form of lying and manipulation because you are not being honest about your needs, thoughts, opinions, or desire
If fostering a culture of open dialogue can mitigate instances of workplace discrimination, how can public media organizations level up their conflict competence? As specialists in behavior and culture change, we know that after setting a goal for the behavior you want to see (i.e., conflict competence), the second step is identifying barriers that would get in the way of the new behavior. And when it comes to conflict competence, one of the biggest barriers is people pleasing.
Understanding People Pleasing
People pleasing is not just a harmless personality trait. In fact, it’s not a personality trait at all. It’s a set of behaviors rooted in the desire for safety, belonging, and approval.
People pleasing occurs when you are overly agreeable and accommodating and have trouble expressing your own needs, often because of a belief that your needs and desires are a burden to others. It can also show up as struggling in making independent decisions, avoiding conflict and anger at all cost, and apologizing excessively—even when no apology is warranted. On the surface it appears as a desire “to be nice” but in reality, it’s a form of lying and manipulation because you are not being honest about your needs, thoughts, opinions, or desires. This is admittedly an uncomfortable truth. Although often subtle and usually unconscious, people pleasing IS an attempt at manipulating other people’s perceptions of us.
Sophie Greenbaum/Brevity & Wit
What Drives People-Pleasing Behaviors?
People pleasing can be better understood when we look at it through the lens of fear and anxiety. It stems from a childhood survival mechanism and the natural desire to belong. When you are small and powerless, pleasing the grown-ups with more power is a smart strategy to ensure your survival. But while these behaviors once kept you safe and secure, they don’t serve you as well anymore in adulthood.
Wanting approval is a perfectly natural human desire, but it becomes problematic when disapproval is perceived as catastrophic or when your emotional well-being hinges entirely on being liked and constantly validated. People pleasing is an addiction to others’ approval. We say addiction because it actually entails a chemical process in the brain (involving dopamine release) that propels us to repeat behaviors that are not healthy for us. It may provide temporary anxiety relief (or even a short-term ‘high’). But in the long run, the perfectionism, neglect of personal emotions, and the see-saw of guilt and resentment that accompany people-pleasing behaviors can result in burnout and a diminished sense of self.
By avoiding conflict and prioritizing harmony at all costs, organizations inadvertently enable toxic behaviors.
Recognizing that people pleasing is fueled by fear of potential negative reactions (fear of hurting or angering others, being excluded, or being judged) is a crucial first step if you want to manage your responses and alter your behavior patterns.
How People Pleasing Hurts Leaders and Organizations
The negative impacts of people-pleasing behaviors are especially pronounced when that person is in a leadership position. Trust is critical to effective leadership and requires setting clear boundaries and practicing transparency. In our work, we often call upon the research and definitions put forth by Brené Brown regarding boundaries and transparency:
Boundaries – Setting boundaries is making clear what’s okay and what is not okay. Leaders who model boundary-setting enable their teams to do the same. They create a safe space where everyone knows what to expect and how to interact. When looking at boundaries in this light, we see that they are not barriers; they are the guardrails for trusted interaction. Being straightforward about what you find acceptable does not preclude you from being generous in your assumptions about the intentions, words, and actions of others. One of the most intriguing findings from Brené Brown’s extensive research is that the most generous people are also the most “boundaried.” This creates an environment where candid feedback is not only possible but welcome. Without honest feedback, team members don’t know where they stand with you and might become skeptical, questioning whether positive feedback is even genuine.
Transparency – “Transparency in an organization is the practice of sharing information regarding the organization’s operations to its people with the intent to create trust” (Alonso 2022). Lack of transparency from the top is a common pain point often revealed in staff surveys. Consider this scenario: a leader is faced with delivering “bad news” and rather than being clear, decides to beat around the bush and drop hints, hoping the team will read between the lines. This approach might seem like a way to avoid immediate discomfort, but in fact, it’s a recipe for creating more uncertainty and anxiety among team members. These behaviors create the perfect conditions for misinterpretation and speculation, which can quickly spiral into rumors and fear. Leaders who want to cultivate trust embrace the principle of “clear is kind,” a phrase so wisely coined by Brené Brown.
The ripple effects of people pleasing then extend even beyond team dynamics and seep into the organizational culture. By avoiding conflict and prioritizing harmony at all costs, organizations inadvertently enable toxic behaviors (i.e. perfectionism, unnecessary urgency, overwork, and fear-based conduct) while simultaneously hindering growth and employee well-being.
If public media is serious about creating workplaces where people with diverse perspectives and lived experiences can collaborate inclusively, conflict is actually a signal that we’re succeeding.
How to Disrupt People Pleasing
Remember we said that people pleasing is not an inherent personality trait – you weren’t born a people pleaser, but instead learned those behaviors as a protective mechanism. The great thing about learned behavior is that it can be unlearned and replaced with something more helpful – conflict competence.
This shift requires a fundamental change in mindset. Shifting your mindset (e.g., from “conflict is bad or dangerous” to “conflict can be productive”) requires re-aligning with your true priorities and values, which then allows you to set healthy boundaries. Yet often you may not even know what your values are because you have absorbed the standards of a toxic system and replaced your true needs and desires with what you think will make others happy. It takes effort and support (often in the form of coaching) to reconnect with what truly matters to you, so that you can move away from those well-worn patterns and establish new pathways for behaviors that allow you to live a life grounded in both ease and power.
Three Steps to Foster Conflict Competence
If you think becoming conflict competent means you’re going to be inviting more conflict into your life, you’re wrong. Conflict occurs in any situation where people have different interests, principles, or feelings. If public media is serious about creating workplaces where people with diverse perspectives and lived experiences can collaborate inclusively, conflict is actually a signal that we’re succeeding. Conflict competence is about learning the skills that allow you to handle conflict productively without having to twist yourself into a pretzel and ignore your own needs.
Becoming competent in conflict situations is not the same as actively seeking out conflict. In our work, we’ve found that individuals with people-pleasing tendencies are often highly aware of the impact words can have on a relationship or their actual safety in a particular context. Simplistic advice like “just be more assertive” or “just tell the truth” disregards nuance and isn’t constructive. So what can you do?
Step 1: Build your self-awareness
If you want to change something you have to understand it better. Reflecting on your relationship with conflict and asking for feedback from trusted sources can help you better understand how you respond to conflict and why.
Reflect – How do you currently view conflict? What triggers you in the first place around conflict? How do you behaviorally respond when conflict occurs?
Ask – Find 2-3 trusted individuals at work who can give you feedback on how they’ve seen you respond in conflict situations. Ask for behavioral observations (e.g., “I saw your shoulders begin to hunch up,” “Your voice got louder and deeper”).
Step 2: Learn to regulate your emotions rather than suppress them
When you suppress emotions you are focused on hiding them from yourself or others. There is often a fear that the emotion is too dangerous and will overwhelm us, so it feels safer to shove it down and deal with it later… or deal with it never. This can provide short-term relief, but when we suppress our emotions they can begin to fester and build up as pressure and tension within us. That tension can be released in multiple unproductive ways: sniping at someone else (usually someone with less power in the organization), or other reactions that are outsized in relation to the situation at hand (i.e. cowering, yelling). Emotional regulation on the other hand involves recognizing the emotion, naming it, and moving through it.
Recognize – Notice when you’re emotionally triggered. What happens in your body? Maybe your chest feels tighter, or it’s harder to take a full breath. For individuals with people-pleasing tendencies, recognizing what’s going on in their bodies can be difficult because they’ve often trained themselves to ignore their physical sensations. It can require practice and support to be able to recognize what different emotions feel like in your body and find the right words to name the emotion.
Slow down, cool down – Pause. Remember that people-pleasing behaviors are well-worn pathways in our brains. If you want to even have a chance of practicing new behaviors, it’s critical to slow down enough so that you can make an active choice rather than falling into automatic responses. Take deep, slow breaths and center yourself physically so that you can choose different behaviors.
Express the emotion – Reduce the internal tension by communicating what you’re feeling through an appropriate channel. Use your words. This can look like journaling, talking to an accountability partner (more on that later), and in some instances, sharing your emotions directly with the other individual(s) involved in the conflict. A helpful framework when using any of these strategies is to describe the situation and the behaviors that gave rise to your emotion and share the impact it had on you (how it made you feel).
Step 3: Increase constructive behaviors
Behavior change doesn’t happen overnight and it doesn’t happen without practice. Many people can intellectually get on board with the idea of expressing emotions but practicing the behavior is daunting. That’s natural. But remind yourself: if you choose to engage in practice, accountability, and patience, you will develop the confidence to handle conflict skillfully.
Practice – Make a conscious effort to practice constructive conflict behaviors: Regulating your emotions by recognizing them, slowing and cooling down, and expressing the emotion. Start small. If the barista at your favorite coffee shop gets your order wrong, kindly ask them to fix the error rather than avoiding the exchange. Build your confidence with smaller situations so that you have the confidence to step up when it comes to something with higher stakes or in the workplace.
Accountability – A work colleague, coach, or mentor can help you stay on track. The key is that whoever holds you accountable is also someone who cares for your development and growth and you have a trusted relationship. If this person can tell you things you need to hear without triggering your fight or flight response, they are a valuable resource in your journey towards conflict competence.
Patience – This isn’t like flipping a switch. Having patience with yourself as you learn a new skill is key to actually creating change. You will fumble, but that’s part of the learning process.
For public media organizations looking to foster a culture of conflict competence, the journey begins with recognizing the detrimental effects people-pleasing behaviors are having on their ability to drive meaningful impact. Individuals at every level of the public media ecosystem can help change the culture of “Public Media Nice” by shifting their mindsets to one that sees conflict as necessary for creating a genuine sense of belonging. Conflict competence is how we create organizations where diversity and inclusion are lived realities within our organizations and not merely platitudes and ideals.
Take Your First Step at PMDMC
If you’re ready to break free from people pleasing and learn strategies for leading with healthier boundaries and increased transparency, join us at our breakout session on August 14, 2024 during this year’s Public Media Development and Marketing Conference (PMDMC) in San Diego. In this session, we’ll dive deeper into what it takes to create a conflict competent organization and explain how conflict competence creates a more inclusive workplace culture. This will be a workshop full of eye-opening insights and actionable tips. We hope to see you there!
To view the original article posted on July 11, 2024 visit this link.
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